Prva kemoterapija. 24. 10. 2014.
Bila jednom jedna Donna Ares, mislila sam.
A nisam ni pomislila da ću umrijeti, nego sam bila sigurna da se ovog trenutka jedno poglavlje završava. Sklapamo korice. Sve smo pročitali. Sve je rečeno. Kraj. Idemo sad u knjigu broj dva. Otvaramo nove korice. Čitamo neke nove naslove i redove i sve sam posmatrala kao novi početak. Koliko god u strahu bila sam spremna u glavi za svoje novo rođenje.
24. 10. Škorpija. Super.
Kemoterapija je krenula. Kapala je satima. Doktor je ulazio svako malo i vršio kontrolu. Sve je bilo u redu. Morala sam svaki čas u WC, gotovo svakih sat vremena, jer sam već pucala od tekućine koju sam primila prethodnih dana, pored ovih silnih novih flaša. Vukla sam se do toaleta vukući za sobom stalak s lijekovima. Nije mi se dalo svaki čas zvati sestru da isključi, pa uključi. Kao što rekoh ne volim komplikacije, a to bi onda bilo nešto što je za mene prekomplikovano. Ovako mi je bilo lakše. Stalak u ruke i lagano tamo, pa nazad u krevet. Onda sam rekla da ću smisliti i patentirati krevet za primanje kemoterapije s ugrađenim toaletom za teško ugrožene pacijente i one koji imaju problema s bešikom. Pa to nije bilo normalno. Lezi, ustani. Maša je cijelo vrijeme bila s Džavidom uz mene, s tim što je on ponovo obilazio ljekarske sobe u potrazi za informacijama o dozi tog lijeka koji moramo sami da nabavimo za sljedeću kemoterapiju.
Flaše i lijekovi su se mijenjali jedan po jedan, kako je prolazio dan, a ja nisam željela znati ni šta primam, ni kako se zovu, ni čemu konkretno služe. Htjela sam samo da to primim i da idem dalje. Probudio se u meni mali ratnik. Gotovo. Odlučila sam se roditi ponovo. Oprostila sam se s dijelom sebe i pomirila se s tim da idem u rat protiv najvećeg neprijatelja zvanog rak koji je odlučio da me pojede bez najave, ali neće moći.
I kada pomisliš da vatre više nema, razmisli ponovo jer bit će problema
kad probudiš u meni žar za pobjedom.
SOBA ZA NIKOGA – Poglavlje 11
First Chemotherapy
First chemotherapy. 24 October, 2014.
There was once Donna Ares, I thought.
And I never thought that I would die, but I was sure at that moment that one chapter was being closed. We closed the book. We read everything. Everything was said. The end. Let’s go now to the book number two. We open the new book. We read some new titles and lines. I saw this as the new beginning. No matter how afraid, I was ready for my new birth.
24th of October. Scorpio. Great.
I started receiving the chemotherapy. It was dripping for hours. The doctor was coming in every now and then to control it. Everything was fine. I had to go to the toilet every now and then, almost every hour, because of the liquid I had already received the day before and because of all these new bottles. I dragged myself to the bathroom, dragging the rack with the drugs. I did not want to call the nurse every second to turn it off and turn it on again. As I said I do not like complications, and that would be something that is too complicated for me. It was easier this way. I took a stand with my hands and went slowly there, and then gently back to bed. Then I said I would invent a patented bed for receiving chemotherapy with a built-in toilet for seriously endangered patients and those who have problems with bladder. It was abnormal. Lie down, stand up. Masha was with Javid and me all that time, but Javid had to go to the doctor’s rooms looking for information on the dosage of the drug that we had to get for the next chemotherapy.
Bottles and medications were being changed one after another, as the day was passing, and I did not even want to know what I received; neither their names nor the specific purpose. I just wanted to receive it and to move on. It woke up a little warrior in me. It was done. I chose to be born again. I said goodbye to a part of myself and reconciled with the fact I was going to war against the greatest enemy called cancer which decided to eat me without notice, but will not be able to do that.
“And when you think the fire is gone, think again because
There will be trouble
When you wake up my zeal to win”.
ROOM FOR NOBODY – Chapter 11
SOBA ZA NIKOGA 